how you continue to impact my life.
As today continued on I realized a few things:
1) I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself
2) Another semester at Shasta really wasn't THAT bad
3) The amount of financial aid I will get for next semester is only $100 short of the tuition for BSSM. (If that's not a God thing, I don't know what is)
4) I can do all online classes since the part I hate about Shasta is the whole going and sitting in class thing
5) I only have to take 4 classes. And the ones I've chosen are easy
Then I went to life group. A few of us girls mentioned that we had been feeling particularly discouraged all week long. At the end Elisa said she wanted to pray for all of us. The 4 that were discouraged sat in the middle and everyone surrounded them and began to pray. It was RIDICULOUSLY amazing.
Andrea prayed that I realize that things are done in God's time, and not mine.
Elisa prayed that I be filled with joy. And that I would realize that not knowing is exciting and amazing. That I would realize He has a plan for me. And even though it isn't going the way I wanted it, that it still exists and He is only doing what is best for me. After she prayed this, I tried imagining not knowing... and not caring that I didn't know and I saw myself just completely happy. I want to be the girl who has no idea where she is going, or what she is doing, but is okay with that because God is gonna take care of me and take/send me where He wants me.
Then Emily got these words for me. The Kim Walker song, "I Surrender" was in her head. Especially the part that says, "I surrender all my HOPES AND DREAMS." She told me that I had given them to God, but I was waiting for Him to bring them to fruition. That I had laid them down at His feet but I was refusing to walk away. That I was like "that awkward person at the party who waits till everyone leaves, then just sits there." That I knew this was where God wanted me, and I knew He had given me these dreams for a reason so I'm just standing around and waiting for Him to bring them to me. And in doing that, I've glued myself to this spot and I can't get past it. She then told me that I have to trust in God and just walk away. I have to understand that yes, God gave me these dreams and yes, He will bring them to fruition but in HIS time. I have to be able to lay those dreams down AND walk away. It's a two step process and I've only completed step one.
So my prayer tonight is this...
Jesus, I need you.
I need you now, more than ever.
I need to know that you are gonna take care of me.
Reallllly know.
I pray for an infusion of trust. I pray that I can walk away
from these dreams and trust that you are going to make them come true.
I pray for a release of the fear of "not knowing."
I pray that I find joy and peace in not knowing.
That I will be excited for what is to come. That I will
continue to focus only on You.
Let my eyes be always on You.
So, I surrender God. To You. I surrender my hopes and dreams.
But I want to take it a step further and walk away.
I pray for an understanding that walking away does not mean
forgetting about those dreams, but it means trusting in You SO much that I am
willing do to what I have to do for the time being and not worry about my dreams
because You hold them in Your hand.
In Your name I pray,
Amen.
5 comments:
It really sucks that I missed that. POOP! Oh my goodness, that is so amazing and I am so proud of you. I loved that prayer, to the core, and I agree with Emily, you have to walk away. The moment you do, life is going to spin out of control with insanity and crazy happiness. Miss Ashtyn, I think you shouldn't focus on God showing you that he loves you, but that you pray that you're willing to see what he is and has been showing you for a long time. You know everyday that you wake up with your family still here, with your job in this horrid economy, with a car that runs, that's God specifically telling YOU that he does LOVE and wouldn't cause you any pain or hardship. That he loves you, and that he wants you to see the little things he provides for you because those are the most noticable. God I pray that Ash has financial wisdom throughout this whole next semester. That there is no amount of money that can stop her from spreading the kingdom og God. God I pray that there is no excuse for why she can't go, I pray that she trust you, trust that in your arms, you won't let anything happen that she can't handle, that when rough patches come along that she knows that's you wantign her to hold tight unto the one thing that can stand through any storm. I pray for family understanding, that they know why you want to do this. I pray for friendships to grow stronger even if friends are going on a different path. I pray that you God show us all what friends are meant for a season and which ones are meant for a lifetime. God we lay it all down at your feet and we WALK AWAY. I pray that if things don't go with OUR plan that we realize it's YOURS. I pray that we are not only faithful when blessed. I pray that even in good times Lord Jesus that we see you in every way. I pray Lord Jesus that all distrust and hurt from the past vanishes so that there can be no reason to not draw closer to you. I pray that Ashtyn can stand tall in what she believes in, I pray that in a crowd of unbelievers that she can be soly vocused on you, I pray that when friends are dumb she realize that she needs to search for God and not an answer. I pray that you make Ashtyn (forget free will right here) see you in every way possible. I pray that you make her see the love you have shown her in the past, the mercy you have shown her previously so that she may know what to look for in the future. God we lay it all down, and walk away. In you holy and sacred name, amen.
So good Ashtyn..so good! and I want to just reaffirm that you ARE that girl...the girl who is completely ok with not knowing, sitting with a huge smile on her face trusting her Jesus that He's got everything taken care of. Trust is a great and powerful word...Prov 3:5-7
Yay for great times at LG!
wow, this is so good ashtyn. amazing. i think it's great that you KNOW what is holding you back. that is the first step, identifying what is wrong, what is hindering you from getting closer to God. and then repenting of it. You CAN turn away. It is part of giving all of your life to Him, is trusting Him enough to actually walk away. You'll find that when you do walk away, you will have so much MORE peace than when you were standing at His feet waiting for His response. I know I have :) God I pray that Ash has the courage and the boldness to WALK AWAY. To leave it all at Your feet and trust You enough to just leave it there. God I pray that when she walks away that You would fill her with an overwhelming feeling of peace and joy God. Lord I pray that she would hold enough trust in You to know that the enemy is not going to swoop in and steal her hopes and dreams from before You, because You have already won. Lord Jesus, YOU have already triumphed over satan and he will NOT steal anything away from You. Lord I pray that Ashtyn has ultimate peace in her heart and in her mind Lord God. Peace financially, peace academically, peace in her family, God and peace in her friendships. God may she always know that it is Your plan for her, no matter what comes her way it is always Your plan. God I pray that Ash finds comfort in knowing that what You bring her to, You will bring her through. I pray that she knows that there is no obstacle, no hardship that You have not already overcome, Jesus. I pray that she finds You in everything that she does, God. I pray that the small things that You do would hit her like boulders, and help remind her that You love her like crazy, and want nothing more for her than happiness and to be more intimate with You. Lord I pray that Ashtyn finds deeper meaning in this season of her life that You have brought her to God, that her eyes are opened to something about herself, or about You that she never knew before. And that whatever she discovers, Lord God would bring her closer to you and help her to share the good news of your holy Son Jesus with the rest of Your children who have wandered astray. All of this I pray in Your glorious name, Jesus..Amen.
You will get through this. I am always here for you, and so are your friends that are closer. Never hesitate to ask for prayer or guidance of any kind. I love you very much, and you know what...so does God. And that is precisely why he has brought you to this place, this season. To bring you closer to Him, because that is His true desire is to have an intimate relationship with each of His children just as His relationship with Jesus. I learned that this weekend at Trilogy, and it really shook me. I mean how powerful is that to know that God wants to be intimate with you like He was with Jesus? That is insane right? Sooo good though.
Have a blessed day, sweetie.
Text me more often, I miss you :(
ps. i am SOOO excited to you to do BSSM!! I would absolutely LOVE to do BSSM but i can't! =( take advantage of it dear!
Wow, I have the best friends in the entire world. I don't care what anyone else says. You are all absolutely amazing and the best encouragers ever. Thanks so much! I'm SO lucky to have you all in my life to help me through stuff! :)
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